“Freedom by Jonathan Franzen” by Bill Haurton

I have not read the year’s It book, Freedom. Jonathan Franzen’s much anticipated follow-up to his 2001 National Book Award winner The Corrections had everyone tweeting its praises from Oprah to Time Magazine, which dubbed Franzen the first great American novelist of the 21st century. I’d be inclined to agree; I scrapped my novella 21 pages into The Corrections, having realized calling that a novella was pure fiction. A week later I helped start Crooked Copy; three weeks after that the library called my house asking for the book back. I tore out the first 21 pages, stapled in my novella and paid a $28 fine, $40 replacement fee and $100 framing the pages of classic prose, soaked in bad writer tears.

Long story short, I haven't read this book

What I do know about Jonathan Franzen is that he is a wordy guy; a man of his caliber can afford to be. He spent more than 250,000 words writing Freedom. Forgive my oneupsmanship, but I can sum up the entirety of liberty, independent thought and, well, freedom in one word: haircuts.

But only because Mountain Dew isn't hyphenated