Tag Archives: Obama

Tweets of the Week

We’re keeping it going with the debate. Absent from this list are the obvious “Obama and/or Christie are big winners of the debate” jokes. No, you weren’t the only one to tweet that (though Dave Weigel’s Buddy Roemer crack was obscure enough to distract us from his acne scars for a moment). Below are the best quips to come out of a mediocre debate, using the worst mode of communication ever. They are not ranked (or are they?):

@notjessewalker: “When do they ask about heroin? I like the part where they ask about heroin”

(Okay, they’re not)

@DaBeard: Cain: Sunni or Shiite?

Thad McCotter via @RickKlein: candidates “failed” the “litmus test” at #cnndebate by answering this/that questions

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Staff Post

The Pratfalls of Post-Racial America: Hip-Hop and Indie Rock’s Illicit Affair

Indie kids have been into rap music for some time now. As with all things indie kids do, they tend to stay away from the really mainstream music that you might hear on your local KissFM station. Instead they are drawn more to underground rap (indie kids like anything that can be labeled as underground) and gangsta rap (anything to make them seem paradoxical).

His bicep keeps it gangster with lyrics from Eazy Emily Dickinson

But over the last few years the connection between indie kids and rap music has taken on a completely new life. Rap culture and indie culture are starting to mix in new and often bizarre ways.

TI bought this plaid shirt shortly after moving to Williamsburg.

TI bought this plaid shirt shortly after moving to Williamsburg.

Fashion, as seen above, is one example where the cultures are colliding. As indie kids adopt high tops, flamboyantly colored t-shirts, and other staples of 80s rap concerts, rappers are quick to return the favor by wearing skinny jeans and as much plaid as they can find. Anytime Kanye West shows up someplace not wearing a suit, you’re bound to get some weird hybrid look of classic rap star with suburban white kid. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Amadeo Ian Williams

State of the Union Highlights

In case you missed Obama’s State of the Union address, below are a collection of incomplete sentences, which sum up the direction in which the country is headed. Wait is clockwise really a direction? Whatever, it’s a down the drain pun. Follow us on Twitter.

@CrookedCopy

  • Obama takes credit for 3 jobs created to make Michelle Bachmann’s powerpoint presentation
  • For hilarity’s sake, Obama consolidates NCIS with Law & Order
  • Obama to consolidate the IRS and TSA as a supergroup of despised assholes
  • McCain and Kerry wear matching suits, their heiress wives bought them
  • Fact, @RaulGrijalva has not stood up to applaud yet because he can’t get out of his seat.
  • Roomful of millionaires (and Joe Biden) applaud newest challenge to avoid paying taxes
  • Few people have noticed but @BarackObama‘s lapel pin is actually a picture of Chuck-E-Cheese.
  • Boehner only cries when he hears his own story. Just call him Molly Ringwald
  • Obama is sounding like a desperate husband: stop arguing about costs, details. My band’s gonna make it
  • Ryan: Politicians broke our trust with economy. Let’s reverse this by eliminating anti-trust laws
  • This speech would have been way more entertaining if America had understood the brilliance of Dennis Kucinich.
  • Obama spends extra time shaking pages hand. It’s the least he could do for all the molesting they go through
  • Fact Sheila Jackson Lee purchased her clothes from the sale rack at the local Goodwill.

@BillHaurton

  • Michelle Bachmann looks like Miley Cryus, if she stayed back down south and was broke
  • Obama to Marines: The real heroes don’t fight in wars, they teach inner city kids, who have more advanced weaponry than Al Qaeda
  • Joe Wilson chastised for saying “wow” too loud during Chilean miner story

Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Staff Post

So you’re going to drink during the State of the Union

If you’re going to do anything, do it with purpose. And since the State of the Union address has taken on the look of an infomercial cardio-fitness program, it is up to you, the viewer, to give it some sense of usefulness. The best way to do this is to get hammered. Below are the rules for Crooked Copy’s official SOTU Drinking Game to throw a few sheets of garbled, sentimental, cheer/cringe-inducing speech to the wind.

1. Anytime Obama says something populist, drink Macallan 1926. The bigger the gulp the better, the common folk will use what’s left in your $38,000 bottle to light their torches following the speech.

Single malts burn much better than blended

2. Anytime the Democrats stand up and cheer, run headfirst into the television and see if you knocked any sense into them.

3. Anytime the Republicans stand up and cheer, belittle somebody that looks different than you.

4. Anytime Obama receives a bipartisan ovation, throw money into the fireplace–they’ve just agreed to waste a bunch of taxpayer dollars.

5. Anytime Obama mentions health care, eat a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. The government is paying for your bypass!

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Staff Post

A Lesson on Bombing

Editor’s Note: Bill Haurton just returned from a trip to his alma mater, the place where he delivered his valedictory, along with not one, but three speech contest finals. But public speaking is a lot harder when it isn’t chalk-full of inside jokes. He was awful and limped into a Q&A session, in which he wet himself on stage, the only thing that saved him from his later attempt at self-immolation. He recovered and, like any American who fails, is now blaming the audience and shopping around a self-help book on public speaking, Speaking to Piss Ants in Piss Pants. Below is an excerpt from what will be his seminal work.

If you’re going to give a speech, make sure it’s worthwhile, and if you can’t do that, at least make sure you don’t announce that you bombed in the presence of TSA. They’re going to see you naked anyway, why make them feel awkward and necessary at the same time.

"I was just about to quit, but now I feel like the country needs me"

I made both mistakes last week in what was my least successful speaking engagement since asking for my first date. So, here is a how-to if you ever find yourself talking to a room full of teenage hormones and suffocating silence.

DO: Speak to your audience. If you start insulting Mark Zuckerberg and the demon behind Twitter in front of a bunch of high schoolers, don’t be surprised to find you’ve been the subject to an online smear campaign. American 12th graders may not be able to read or write, but they are trolling at a rate far beyond their Chinese peers.

Then again, this is what happens to their Chinese peers if they insult anybody with authority

DO: Keep on going. Your alcoholic father may have taught you if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, but this does not apply when you are at the podium. The only thing worse than speaking to a room full of people silently judging you, is to hear the judgments aloud when you have gone silent mid-sentence. The trick is to picture everyone in their underwear, then point at one teen and scream “he’s got a knife.”

DON’T: Really picture the kiddies in their underwear. Just because they’re at an age when accidental boners are inevitable, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for you to have one.

In a word, Yes. See APPENDIX A FOR APOLOGY

DO: Make eye contact with your audience. This maintains a connection with them and lends credibility to your claim that weapons are present in the auditorium.

DON’T: Read from the script with your head down. When your speech blows up in your face, your audience will realize you actually put time, thought and effort into your terrible prose. Better to play it off casually and say you didn’t even try.

Failure is the only time acting like an Emo is chic

DO: Go up there with a glass of water. Coughing is poor form and you can always pour it on the microphone and claim technical difficulties.

DON’T: Bring your liquor up there. High schoolers need alcohol just to communicate with one another. They expect more out of an adult. Grow up and score some Xanax.

DO: Maintain good posture. Body language is very important to communicating your ideas. Nothing works better than a middle finger to wake up an unresponsive crowd.

Orator's Orator: This finger belongs on the Red Button

DON’T: Get too long-winded. People have short attention spans. It’s best to keep your sentences short and to the point. EXAMPLES: “They’re not paying me enough for this;” “Yeah? Well, screw you too;” “This is awful, I’m sorry.”

DO: Watch the State of the Union Address tonight and see which Supreme Court Justice finds a knife under his robe. Check back in the afternoon for Crooked Copy’s list of drinking game rules for the address. We will also live Tweet the event, so be sure to follow us HERE.

APPENDIX A: This series of jokes was run by a number of editors and fans to see if it was appropriate. Amazingly, 1/3 of those consulted objected to the “knife” joke because it conjured up images of the Tragedy in Tucson. It was not Crooked Copy’s intention to expose those of you who share this view as tolerant of pedophilia.

Leave a comment

Filed under BillHaurton

Five Groups You Didn’t Know Backed the Stimulus

The stimulus has generated a lot of debt, debate and jobs of the created or saved variety. We at Crooked Copy are no experts, so we’ll let economists figure out how to calculate a “saved” job. What we do have is a basic understanding of biology and looking at the human body can teach you a lot about the world. Our bodies’ have many jobs to do. The immune system, for example, defends the body from enemies foreign and domestic; the heart circulates blood around like currency; and the lungs pump fresh life into our bodies, so we can stay around long enough to enjoy our next cigarette. Only two parts of the body create or save anything. The mouth creates a whole lot of nonsense and seems to save everything except your PIN number when you’re being mugged at gun point. And the digestive tract divides your body’s revenue stream between the good nutrients, which it stores, and the bad nutrients which create

Stimulus Jobs?

You don’t have to take our word for it, the New York Times reported in October 2009 that the stimulus spent $300,000 tracking radioactive rabbit feces in Washington state, though no one has yet to come forward and thank the feds for the work.

The stimulus package was more than just money; it demonstrated the vast influence of advocacy groups and snake oil salesman. And as hundreds of billions of dollars erupted from the halls of congress, each group has been decent enough to wave that money around right in your face with press releases. The Florida Thoroughbred Breeders’ and Owners’ Association, for example, was not shy about the $2.5 million it received to help convert horse poop into hydrogen cars.

At least geese generate results

As the majority of voters soured on the idea that spending $1 trillion to kick the habit of irresponsible financing, some big backers of the stimulus have kept their names out of the press. Crooked Copy has tracked down a few of them.

5. The American Academy of Country Music

The Academy may seem like a group of Red-State conservatives, but it was a fond supporter for the $30 billion General Motors bailout. If Chevrolet went out of business, up to 10 percent of car manufacturing plants could have closed; and a full 33 percent of country lyrics would have been lost forever.

Your Ex-Wife took off with your Chevy? Double platinum

4. The National Rifle Association

The NRA liked the idea of government intruding on the private sector. It helped drive membership and gun sales during the Obama presidency. The strategy seems to be working.

3. The People Who Got Us into this Mess in the First Place (PWGUMFP)

The PWGUMFP was crucial in backing the stimulus package and also played a large part in getting us into this whole mess in the first place. They squandered massive amounts of money for their own personal interest, made reckless, speculative bets with other people’s money and floated down on golden parachutes. Then Congress got involved to, as one Democratic rep said, “show them how it’s done.” Our nation’s representatives succeeded in only the first two categories.

Our bullet-proof vests are made out of 8-inch sheets of $1,000 bills

2. Ford

The automaker didn’t take any bailout money, but threw their weight behind stimulating GM after seeing the price tag on the Chevy Volt.

The year Ford's fortunes improved

1. Barack Obama

Ask President Obama about the stimulus today and he starts to sound like the guy who gets awkward about pooping in a public bathroom. He’ll go silent for a second, as he debates whether or not to let his presence be known, and follow up with a lot of loud protests about the distance between his stall and the one that smells. But even he knows that sounds like a load of

Hydrogen Cars?

Leave a comment

Filed under Staff Post

Portrait of the Artist as a Jackass

Persecution and suffering, for all their horrors, have one upside. In the hands of the right artist, persecution can inspire beautiful, desperate works. Suffering can force an artist to turn inward and explore the depths of the human soul. The kind of suffering is often severe. Elie Wiesel turned his experiences in the Holocaust into powerful and moving stories. But often the scale of human tragedy is less far reaching. Numerous artists have turned their experiences as abused children into art, an outlet which allows the rest of us to gain a new perspective.

She knows why the caged bird sings

Of course, no artist in the music business today is more persecuted than Kanye West. Just ask him yourself. Let’s take a moment to look back at all of the persecution Kanye West has had to endure:

There was the negative press after he called the sitting President of the United States a racist on national television. A black man receiving negative feedback after calling a white man a racist? That is so racist.

Kanye: The analogy works. Katrina involved water

The current President of the United States called him a “Jackass.” Totally just the institution sticking together!

Avenge Me

The public backlash because he tried to offer his opinion on music videos at an inopportune time. It’s not like he shouted “Beyonce’s video is straight fire” in the auditorium. Whatever happened to free speech in this country?

He had to change the cover of his newest album just because the record company thought mainstream appeal would drop if they put out a record with a picture of a black monster making love to an armless, grotesque, naked white creature. Lamar Odom does that everyday. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Amadeo Ian Williams