Janet Jackson: Battle Hymn of the…Oh Brother

In perhaps the greatest PR drop in history, Janet Jackson debuted her memoir just two days after the Super Bowl. Call us a little nostalgic for halftime shows past, but we at Crooked Copy welcomed our preview, which we used to smash our television set after Fergie started singing without autotune.

Jackson’s 272 page tome, titled–we’re not making this up–“True You: A Journey to Finding and Loving Yourself,” is a revealing, in-your-face look into her life in the spotlight, digging beneath the surface, only to get stuck in a putty-like mess of medical waste and self-pity. The only solid conclusion the reader leaves with is that Jackson’s mental health has probably not improved by book’s end.

For one, she used to bang her head against the wall because she was unhappy with her looks. Janet mentions this in every interview on her book tour.

“I still have issues with it. I don’t bang my head up against the wall, but I still have those moments.  And I think it’ll probably continue but at least I know how to deal with it now. And I’m in a much better space,” she told the Today Show when they asked why baby bumpers were placed on every piece of furniture in the Betty Ford Clinic.

Available in leather

We find that brother Michael used to call her names like pig and cow. A pity, sure; except didn’t you come from frigging Gary, Indiana, the world capital of racial unrest during the 1960’s? You were only made fun of for your weight–by a gentlemen who spent his adult life trying to look like you? Countee Cullen, she is not.

Come see me in Baltimore...bitch

Every celebrity memoir is about two things: butchering the English language and lamenting your lot in life, even if that lot is 200 acres of beachfront property. Jackson, if the title “True You: You Don’t Have a Clue, But Wouldn’t You be Blue if I Were Anything Like You, Too,” accomplishes both these tasks with surprising ease.

Jackson spent most of her life just outside Hollywood, a town with high school diplomas, doctorates in psychology and little in between, save high thetan levels.

Don't forget my Masters in Transgendered Philosophy