By: Ty Olson
Johannasburg, South Africa – At 4:45 p.m. ET on June 26, 2010 soccer died in America. It was a long and agonizing death; one seen by a national audience hoping, praying for a chance to get swept up in an international phenomenon.
But the Ghanan national team had different plans; they seemed determined to show these new and arrogant newcomers the true nature of soccer. Up 2-1 in stoppage time, opposing defenders put on a display that would make Tanya Harding smile. Americans watched with abject horror demanding to know why Ghanan defenders were withering on the ground in unprompted pain. The answer was simple, they were running time off the clock and Americans were watching a stupid sport not compatible with our culture. This lesson was learned by everyone but our hipster friends and they must be stopped.
This sick charade has gone on far too long. Americans thought we had put soccer behind us. Rooney, Beckham, 0-0 ties, Maradona’s bad hair, it appeared that we had packed them in neat little boxes and stored them in the darkest corners of our basements; safe, away with our Christmas lights to open again in the distant future. Normal Americans treat soccer like our Democratic Presidents. We call on them out of boredom and morbid curiosity only to exile them after the product is realized – it’s a vicious cycle but one we are accustomed to.
One can sympathize with our dismay, then, when a splattering of Premier League updates began surfacing on Facebook, Twitter, and ESPN. This phenomenon was brought about by the American hipster population and it is unacceptable. Not only is soccer an eyebleedingly awful sport, it is incompatible with the hipster code of conduct. We would be wise to share with our flannel-clad friends now, before things get out of control, that it is baseball, not soccer, that should be embraced by their kind.