Category Archives: Staff Post

Government

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Tweets of the Week

We’re keeping it going with the debate. Absent from this list are the obvious “Obama and/or Christie are big winners of the debate” jokes. No, you weren’t the only one to tweet that (though Dave Weigel’s Buddy Roemer crack was obscure enough to distract us from his acne scars for a moment). Below are the best quips to come out of a mediocre debate, using the worst mode of communication ever. They are not ranked (or are they?):

@notjessewalker: “When do they ask about heroin? I like the part where they ask about heroin”

(Okay, they’re not)

@DaBeard: Cain: Sunni or Shiite?

Thad McCotter via @RickKlein: candidates “failed” the “litmus test” at #cnndebate by answering this/that questions

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An Honest Republican Debate

Screw Water for Elephants. It’s Robots for Republicans. Get ready for CC’s Live-Tweeting GOP Debate: Follow us at:

@CrookedCopy

@BillHaurton

@Ddrfeelgoodd

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State of the Union Highlights

In case you missed Obama’s State of the Union address, below are a collection of incomplete sentences, which sum up the direction in which the country is headed. Wait is clockwise really a direction? Whatever, it’s a down the drain pun. Follow us on Twitter.

@CrookedCopy

  • Obama takes credit for 3 jobs created to make Michelle Bachmann’s powerpoint presentation
  • For hilarity’s sake, Obama consolidates NCIS with Law & Order
  • Obama to consolidate the IRS and TSA as a supergroup of despised assholes
  • McCain and Kerry wear matching suits, their heiress wives bought them
  • Fact, @RaulGrijalva has not stood up to applaud yet because he can’t get out of his seat.
  • Roomful of millionaires (and Joe Biden) applaud newest challenge to avoid paying taxes
  • Few people have noticed but @BarackObama‘s lapel pin is actually a picture of Chuck-E-Cheese.
  • Boehner only cries when he hears his own story. Just call him Molly Ringwald
  • Obama is sounding like a desperate husband: stop arguing about costs, details. My band’s gonna make it
  • Ryan: Politicians broke our trust with economy. Let’s reverse this by eliminating anti-trust laws
  • This speech would have been way more entertaining if America had understood the brilliance of Dennis Kucinich.
  • Obama spends extra time shaking pages hand. It’s the least he could do for all the molesting they go through
  • Fact Sheila Jackson Lee purchased her clothes from the sale rack at the local Goodwill.

@BillHaurton

  • Michelle Bachmann looks like Miley Cryus, if she stayed back down south and was broke
  • Obama to Marines: The real heroes don’t fight in wars, they teach inner city kids, who have more advanced weaponry than Al Qaeda
  • Joe Wilson chastised for saying “wow” too loud during Chilean miner story

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So you’re going to drink during the State of the Union

If you’re going to do anything, do it with purpose. And since the State of the Union address has taken on the look of an infomercial cardio-fitness program, it is up to you, the viewer, to give it some sense of usefulness. The best way to do this is to get hammered. Below are the rules for Crooked Copy’s official SOTU Drinking Game to throw a few sheets of garbled, sentimental, cheer/cringe-inducing speech to the wind.

1. Anytime Obama says something populist, drink Macallan 1926. The bigger the gulp the better, the common folk will use what’s left in your $38,000 bottle to light their torches following the speech.

Single malts burn much better than blended

2. Anytime the Democrats stand up and cheer, run headfirst into the television and see if you knocked any sense into them.

3. Anytime the Republicans stand up and cheer, belittle somebody that looks different than you.

4. Anytime Obama receives a bipartisan ovation, throw money into the fireplace–they’ve just agreed to waste a bunch of taxpayer dollars.

5. Anytime Obama mentions health care, eat a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. The government is paying for your bypass!

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Five Groups You Didn’t Know Backed the Stimulus

The stimulus has generated a lot of debt, debate and jobs of the created or saved variety. We at Crooked Copy are no experts, so we’ll let economists figure out how to calculate a “saved” job. What we do have is a basic understanding of biology and looking at the human body can teach you a lot about the world. Our bodies’ have many jobs to do. The immune system, for example, defends the body from enemies foreign and domestic; the heart circulates blood around like currency; and the lungs pump fresh life into our bodies, so we can stay around long enough to enjoy our next cigarette. Only two parts of the body create or save anything. The mouth creates a whole lot of nonsense and seems to save everything except your PIN number when you’re being mugged at gun point. And the digestive tract divides your body’s revenue stream between the good nutrients, which it stores, and the bad nutrients which create

Stimulus Jobs?

You don’t have to take our word for it, the New York Times reported in October 2009 that the stimulus spent $300,000 tracking radioactive rabbit feces in Washington state, though no one has yet to come forward and thank the feds for the work.

The stimulus package was more than just money; it demonstrated the vast influence of advocacy groups and snake oil salesman. And as hundreds of billions of dollars erupted from the halls of congress, each group has been decent enough to wave that money around right in your face with press releases. The Florida Thoroughbred Breeders’ and Owners’ Association, for example, was not shy about the $2.5 million it received to help convert horse poop into hydrogen cars.

At least geese generate results

As the majority of voters soured on the idea that spending $1 trillion to kick the habit of irresponsible financing, some big backers of the stimulus have kept their names out of the press. Crooked Copy has tracked down a few of them.

5. The American Academy of Country Music

The Academy may seem like a group of Red-State conservatives, but it was a fond supporter for the $30 billion General Motors bailout. If Chevrolet went out of business, up to 10 percent of car manufacturing plants could have closed; and a full 33 percent of country lyrics would have been lost forever.

Your Ex-Wife took off with your Chevy? Double platinum

4. The National Rifle Association

The NRA liked the idea of government intruding on the private sector. It helped drive membership and gun sales during the Obama presidency. The strategy seems to be working.

3. The People Who Got Us into this Mess in the First Place (PWGUMFP)

The PWGUMFP was crucial in backing the stimulus package and also played a large part in getting us into this whole mess in the first place. They squandered massive amounts of money for their own personal interest, made reckless, speculative bets with other people’s money and floated down on golden parachutes. Then Congress got involved to, as one Democratic rep said, “show them how it’s done.” Our nation’s representatives succeeded in only the first two categories.

Our bullet-proof vests are made out of 8-inch sheets of $1,000 bills

2. Ford

The automaker didn’t take any bailout money, but threw their weight behind stimulating GM after seeing the price tag on the Chevy Volt.

The year Ford's fortunes improved

1. Barack Obama

Ask President Obama about the stimulus today and he starts to sound like the guy who gets awkward about pooping in a public bathroom. He’ll go silent for a second, as he debates whether or not to let his presence be known, and follow up with a lot of loud protests about the distance between his stall and the one that smells. But even he knows that sounds like a load of

Hydrogen Cars?

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Aronofsky’s Wide World of Sports Flicks

Darren Aronofsky first came into the popular conscious with his movie Requiem for a Dream, a haunting tale about addiction. Of course, if you’re like us, the most frightening thing about that movie is that Marlon Wayans could have actually had a legitimate career. Good God what happened.

I’m a surprisingly good actor… that’s why I got to play the baby.

After a detour with the overindulgent mess The Fountain, Aronofsky’s last two movies have instead focused on athletes. In 2008 he revitalized Mickey Rourke’s career with The Wrestler and in late 2010 he put a subversive twist on the ballet with Black Swan.

Natalie Portman really went all out training to become a dancer in time for Black Swan

With a couple of movies about athletes under his belt (yes we think ballerinas are athletes, some little boys didn’t get to play football) we at Crooked Copy think Aronofsky would be a perfect choice to remake some classic sports movies. Of course, he’d have to put his unique dark twist onto them, but we see them going something like this.

Field of Dreams

Kevin Costner plays an Iowa farmer who is about to have his farm repossessed by the bank if he can’t start making his mortgage payments on time. Desperate and running out of options he starts cooking meth in his basement. After the first few batches don’t turn out so well he goes on a hunt to find the one man that can help him: James Earl Jones. Jones, a recovering meth addict himself, is at first wary of Costner’s proposal, but soon warms up to the idea after spending a few days with Costner talking baseball nonstop. I mean nonstop, Costner brings some of the meth that turned out all right with him and they get BLOWN. This would probably be best done in a montage. When Jones is back on the farm with Costner they really get cooking, quite literally. Tweaked out of his mind one night, Costner walks into the corn field and for some reason erects a baseball diamond. He mutters to his wife about seeing famous ballplayers on the diamond, but all his wife sees are toothless tweakers running around the bases.

I can play ball real good

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