Author Archives: Ty Olson
A typical conversation with a young Ron Paul fanatic:
So I heard that you are a Ron Paul fan.
ISN’T HE F*#*ING INCREDIBLE!!!!
Wow…um, well, I’m not sure. See, I’m trying to decide. I was listening to Ron Paul and….
IT’S DR. PAUL!
I beg your pardon?
IT’S DR. PAUL. HE IS A DOCTOR. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM DR. PAUL. WE ALL CALL HIM DR. PAUL.
Oh….okay….I guess I can do that. When I compare Dr. Paul to Rick Santorum
WHO IS THAT?
Who is…..wait? Who is Rick Santorum?
WHO IS THAT? I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS. WHO IS THAT?
He just placed second in Iowa, he is running for President.
DR. PAUL DID WELL IN IOWA. YOU SOULD ONLY VOTE FOR DR. PAUL. DR. PAUL DID WELL IN IOWA.
Yeah, that was interesting because his foreign policy is….
WARS ARE BAD.
Yes, I agree war is bad and we have made some mistakes but…
WARS ARE BAD. ALL WARS. WARS ARE EXPENSIVE. THE WAR ON DRUGS IS BAD AND EXPENSIVE.
Well, that is partially true, there are some problems with the drug war but if we become a society that allows drugs it opens up a number of problems.
IT’S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. WE SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE. RON PAUL SAYS IT’S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
Well, it’s none of our business until it filters into our communities.
THAT ARGUMENT IS DUMB. SOCIAL ISSUES ARE DUMB. I DON’T HAVE KIDS OR A FAMILY BUT SOCIAL ISSUES ARE DUMB. THAT IS DUMB.
That is the other thing, it seems like a lot of what he says sounds good in a vaccum but not in reality.
DR. PAUL HAS GREAT IDEAS. HE IS HONEST. DR. PAUL IS HONEST.
Yes but do you really think any of his ideas would pass in congress or be implemented if he was president?
YES BECAUSE HE IS F#&*ING INCREDIBLE!!!
Who? Ron Paul?
DR. PAUL. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM DR. PAUL.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
END THE FED.
Ty Olson is a syndicated movie critic and accomplished journalist. His controversial rave reviews of The Postman and Waiting to Exhale garnered him much attention in circles of social commentary. He has never liked Richard Nixon and thinks Alan Grayson is a gigantic blowhard. He lives in San Diego, California.
Read Ty’s latest piece about the Iowa Caucuses: http://crookedcopy.com/2012/01/05/iowa-candidate-caucus-a-crooked-copy-exclusive/
***There is a little known but long standing stipulation in Iowa that requires all candidates to form their own caucus while all citizen votes are tallied. Crooked Copy was given exclusive coverage of the event. The following happened in Des Moines, Iowa at 8:00 pm on January Third.***
***Door opens and Rick Perry enters in a huff***
Mitt Romney: That’s alright, I made you some cookies, chocolate chip, your favorite flavor. In fact I made everyone their favorite cookies. You can have as many as you want. I bought them for you. You may have as many as you want…..
Newt Gingrich: These cookies are fundamentally delicious. I’ll take a few more if you don’t mind.
Mitt Romney: Well, this is embarrassing. I meant everyone but you Newt, not because I don’t like you, it’s…just…. ***looks at Newt’s stomach***…you know…..
Newt Gingrich: That’s alright. Let’s do roll call because Calista and I have a book signing and movie screening this afternoon.
Ron Paul: Don’t you mean campaign stop.
Newt Gingrich: ……..yes……
Newt Gingrich: Okay let’s begin. Michelle Bachmann
Michele Bachmann: Present. Can we all agree that I’m the only conservative in this race?
Newt Gingrich: Spare me, I was a conservative since you were hosting PG movie nights in your college dorm.
Michele Bachmann: Remind me Newt, was that while you were having your second or third affair?
Back on Monday.
By: Ty Olson
Johannasburg, South Africa – At 4:45 p.m. ET on June 26, 2010 soccer died in America. It was a long and agonizing death; one seen by a national audience hoping, praying for a chance to get swept up in an international phenomenon.
But the Ghanan national team had different plans; they seemed determined to show these new and arrogant newcomers the true nature of soccer. Up 2-1 in stoppage time, opposing defenders put on a display that would make Tanya Harding smile. Americans watched with abject horror demanding to know why Ghanan defenders were withering on the ground in unprompted pain. The answer was simple, they were running time off the clock and Americans were watching a stupid sport not compatible with our culture. This lesson was learned by everyone but our hipster friends and they must be stopped.
This sick charade has gone on far too long. Americans thought we had put soccer behind us. Rooney, Beckham, 0-0 ties, Maradona’s bad hair, it appeared that we had packed them in neat little boxes and stored them in the darkest corners of our basements; safe, away with our Christmas lights to open again in the distant future. Normal Americans treat soccer like our Democratic Presidents. We call on them out of boredom and morbid curiosity only to exile them after the product is realized – it’s a vicious cycle but one we are accustomed to.
One can sympathize with our dismay, then, when a splattering of Premier League updates began surfacing on Facebook, Twitter, and ESPN. This phenomenon was brought about by the American hipster population and it is unacceptable. Not only is soccer an eyebleedingly awful sport, it is incompatible with the hipster code of conduct. We would be wise to share with our flannel-clad friends now, before things get out of control, that it is baseball, not soccer, that should be embraced by their kind.
This debate is sponsored by: That one Bennigans restaurant that is left, Gary Johnson, and whatever advertising we could muster up. It’s tough times here at CNN.
John King: The first question goes to Newt Gingrich. Sir, you have had some trouble with your campaign with some snafus and staff defections. Here is your chance to tell America about the real Newt.
Newt Gingrich: Thank you very much John. The stories of my lack of campaign discipline are fundamentally incorrect and I hope to go into detail tonight before I leave to board my Alaskan Cruise.
John King: Thank you Mr. Gingrich. Congresswoman Bachmann there is an angry and down-on-his-luck State Senator who lost his seat to the Tea Party. May he ask you a question?
Michelle Bachmann: I’m sorry John. I don’t take questions from beta males.
John King: Wonderful. Governor Pawlenty, you recently hammered Mitt Romney’s by calling his healthcare proposal “Obamneycare.” Are you prepared to say that today with him in the room?
Tim Pawlenty: I want to but….his….face….It’s….so….beautiful.
John King: Thank you Mr. Pawlenty. Mr. Cain, Medicare looks to be the entitlement that is causing much anxiety and many seniors are worried about their care. How would you address this?
Herman Cain: These times can be stressful for the elderly John, I know. That’s why I am pleased to announce that Godfather’s Pizza is offering a 25% discount this week to all senior citizens! Try or new, hand-tossed veggie delight special! Piled high with garden fresh vegetab…..
John King: Thank you Mr. Cain. Mr. Romney, are you using Touch of Gray?
Mitt Romney: Yes…no…I mean, I will, if you want me to. I’LL DO ANYTHING. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
Hello and welcome to the very first 2010 Republican Debate live from South Carolina featuring the very best top-tier candidates from across the country: Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, Congressman Ron Paul, Former Godfather Pizza CEO Herman Cain, Former Senator Rick Santourm, and someone’s grumpy libertarian uncle….
Gary Johnson: No, I’m Gary Johnson, okay. I was the governor of New Mexico.
All of the candidates poorly tailored suits were provided by the Men’s Warehouse. Men’s Warehouse: You’re gonna like the way you look unless you are current on men’s fashion.
Chris Wallace: Thank you all for tuning in. I’m Chris Wallace joined tonight by my colleagues Juan Williams and Megyn Kelly. Our first question is for Governor Pawlenty. Sir, you are listed by many pundits as a frontrunner but voters find you terribly unexciting. Would you care to introduce yourself?
Tim Pawlenty: Thanks to Fox for hosting this discussion and to my opponents for allowing me the opportunity to appear vastly superior than I will be in future debates.
I share a deep bond with the hard working people of South Carolina. I grew up in a blue collar meatpacking family. My father like his father before him worked hard at the meatpacking plant and we took pride in our work. Like the good people of South Carolina I’m a regular American with…..
Rick Santorum: Excuse me.
Juan Williams: Yes Senator Santorum
Rick Santorum: I am offended by Mr. Pawlenty’s sexual overtures and find them inappropriate for this discussion.
Juan Williams: Thank you Senator Santorum
Megyn Kelly: Mr. Cain you are fairly new to the Presidential scene what can Americans expect from a Cain Presidency?
Herman Cain: Americans can expect from me what they can expect from Godfather’s Pizza, which is a light fluffy crust of a man dripping with the finest sauces and cheese at an affordable price. Like our pizza I prepare each and every day using the freshest ingredients and…..
Megyn Kelly: Thank you Mr. Cain
Chris Wallace: Mr. Santourm, you are entering this race as a staunch social conservative but have been referred to by many as, and I quote, “Kind of a dick about it.” How do you respond to this?
Rick Santorum: Chris, that question is condescending and beneath me and I will not answer it. Also, Mitch Daniels is a heartless man lacking a soul.
Juan Williams: Congressman Paul……
10 Obnoxious Paul Fans: AHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOO! WHOOOOO!
Juan Williams: Congressman Paul. You have called for the legalization of drugs…..
10 Obnoxious Paul Fans: WHOOOOOOO!
Juan Williams: But fail to address the consequences of drug use in America. How would you answer your critics?
Ron Paul: Well people can do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t bother anyone else.
Juan Williams: Don’t drug addicts create a negative impact on society and bother others?
Ron Paul: Ludwig von Mises. End the Fed.
10 Obnoxious Paul Fans: WHOOOOOOOOO!
Gary Johnson: Ummmm excuse me? Nobody is paying attention to me. I have a tremendous amount of important things to say.
Megyn Kelly: Mr. Johnson, what would you like to address?
Gary Johnson: *Frowns* Now that I have your attention, okay, I would like to talk about how this audience, okay, is ignoring the values of classical liberalism. People are going to vote for me because I don’t lower myself to social issues unlike these other candidates.
Megyn Kelly: Please stop talking with your eyes closed. You look like a blowhard.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Pawlenty I’m going to give you an outdated question about stem cells. Can you hit it out of the park for me?
Tim Pawlenty: Surely.
And now a quick word from our sponsor.
Hello, I’m G. Gordon Liddy and I developed the Watergate plan that got Richard Nixon impeached……. …… ….. ….. You should buy gold!
Alright back to the debate.
Juan Williams: Mr. Cain the recent union challenge to block Boeing from building a plant in South Carolina has many in an uproar how would you address this?
Herman Cain: Unions are an important part of the American work force. They work hard for their families and help our country move forward. Like American Unions, Godfather’s Pizza is committed to working hard for your family. Whether it’s our on-time delivery guarantee or our family value meals we strive…..
Juan Williams: Thank you Mr. Cain.
Megyn Kelly: Senator Santorum, why are you here?
Rick Santroum: I’m not a big fan of Mexicans.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Johnson, you are, literally, the only person in this room who is not Pro-Life how does that make you feel?
Gary Johnson: Grouchy. *Frowns*
Chris Wallace: I’m going to ask each of you a question on an issue that will most likely sink your already floundering campaigns: Governor Pawlenty, You voted for a Cap-and-Trade Bill would you care to defend your actions?
Tim Pawlenty: Chris, what you failed to mention was that I didn’t not vote for an anti-pro cap-and-trade bill not just in committee not but in the Governorship.
Chris Wallace: I hope someone uses that in a commercial. Senator Santroum, the last time you ran for office your campaign was used as an example in all major political science textbooks of how not act as a candidate, what have you to say to that?
Rick Santourm: I wear searsucker suits in the winter.
Chis Wallace: That is unfortunate. Congressman Paul, you have the most classless and annoying followers of any candidate in the last twenty years. Is there anything you would like to say to them?
Ron Paul: My supporters can do whatever they want as long as they aren’t bothering others.
Chris Wallace: They are bothering others.
10 Obnoxious Ron Paul Fans: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chris Wallace: Governor Johnson you have publically admitted to smoking marijuana before yet you don’t look nearly as fun as any of my friends that smoke marijuana. What do you say to that?
Gary Johnson: Statistical Charts.
Chris Wallace: Thank you Mr. Johnson. Mr. Cain, I heard Godfather’s pizza really isn’t any good?
Herman Cain: I will punch you in the face.
Juan Williams: Alright that’s all we have for tonight. I would like to thank all of our candidates for stopping buy. Stay tuned to hear Sean Hannity repeat this week’s Republican talking points and throw a Nerf football like a girl.