***There is a little known but long standing stipulation in Iowa that requires all candidates to form their own caucus while all citizen votes are tallied. Crooked Copy was given exclusive coverage of the event. The following happened in Des Moines, Iowa at 8:00 pm on January Third.***
***Door opens and Rick Perry enters in a huff***
Mitt Romney: That’s alright, I made you some cookies, chocolate chip, your favorite flavor. In fact I made everyone their favorite cookies. You can have as many as you want. I bought them for you. You may have as many as you want…..
Newt Gingrich: These cookies are fundamentally delicious. I’ll take a few more if you don’t mind.
Mitt Romney: Well, this is embarrassing. I meant everyone but you Newt, not because I don’t like you, it’s…just…. ***looks at Newt’s stomach***…you know…..
Newt Gingrich: That’s alright. Let’s do roll call because Calista and I have a book signing and movie screening this afternoon.
Ron Paul: Don’t you mean campaign stop.
Newt Gingrich: ……..yes……
Newt Gingrich: Okay let’s begin. Michelle Bachmann
Michele Bachmann: Present. Can we all agree that I’m the only conservative in this race?
Newt Gingrich: Spare me, I was a conservative since you were hosting PG movie nights in your college dorm.
Michele Bachmann: Remind me Newt, was that while you were having your second or third affair?
Mitt Romney: Alright, alright, let’s break it up. Let’s see, who else is here: John Huntsman?
Jon Huntsman: Here
Mitt Romney: Huntsman?
Jon Huntsman: Here. I’m right here.
Mitt Romney: Has anyone seen John Huntsman?
Michelle Bachmann: Nope.
Jon Huntsman: I’M RIGHT HERE. I’M LITERALLY STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.
Mitt Romney: Alright. ***Checks box on sheet*** Huntsman, not present. Newt, I’ll throw it back over to you – just remember that I did that. Right there….you know……..I helped a brother out.
Newt Gingrich: Don’t worry Mitt, I remember all the favors I receive.
Michele Bachmann: Especially from the ladies.
Newt Gingrich: ***Death Stare*** Moving. Along. Rick Santorum?
Rick Santorum: ***Accompanied by two of his children*** Here. I hope you don’t mind by I brought some of my children, we couldn’t find a sitter.
Newt Gingrich: That’s fine, how many kids do you have again?
Rick Santorum ***Accompanied by three of his children*** A large number.
Newt Gingrich: Sounds good. Ron Paul
Ron Paul: Present. Are there any Free Masons or Skull and Bone Wizards here? We should check the room for Masons and Skull and Bone Wizards.
***Awkward looks from all candidates***
Mitt Romney: ***Feigns surprise*** Oh gee everybody, I wonder who it could be? ***Opens door*** Why it’s the Godfather’s pizza I ordered for everyone! Delivered by our old friend Herman Cain! Have as much as you want because I bought it for you!
Michele Bachmann: Hey wait! That doesn’t look like Herman Cain!
Rick Santorum: ***Surrounded by six kids*** And he’s wearing a false mustache.
Newt Gingric : ***Pulls disguise off*** It’s former Governor of New Mexico and failed Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson. Booooo!
Gary Johnson: Oh come on guys! Let me in! I promise I’ll be so cool, I’ll bring all of my toys over and we can play with them and everything!
Newt Gingrich: I vote no, anyone else?
Rick Perry: Nope
Jon Huntsman: I think he should stay.
Newt: Did someone just say something?
Rick Perry: Alright, that’s enough from you Gary. Out you go. By the way, what did you do with Herman Cain.
Gary Johnson: Don’t worry about it.
Mitt Romney: Okay everyone time to vote. Everyone tell the group over this warm, fresh, cheesy, free pizza why you should be president. Newt?…….Newt?
Rick Santorum: I**Accompanied by seven children** He left, he said he had a film screening at Barnes and Noble but told me to remind you that he is smarter than everyone.
Mitt Romney: Wow. Rick Perry?
Rick Perry: I’ve been on a roll lately with this part-time congress and states rights business. In my last commercial said there should be part time states…..except for Texas……because it’s a country.
Mitt Romney: Wonderful, Michelle?
Michele Bachmann: Oh come on guys! Who am I kidding?
Mitt Romney: Ron Paul
Ron Paul: Haven’t you all read the Mayan calendar? What’s the point in voting?
Mitt Romney: Excellent. Rick Santorum?
Rick Santorum: ***Gathers his now eight children close to the sound of inspirational music.*** You should vote for me because I have a vision for future leaders of our country. One places an emphasis back on the family. A vision where we leave our kids a better America where…..
Mitt Romney: Mmmmmm. Hey guys, this pizza is really good isn’t it?
Michele Bachmann: Oh it’s delicious
Ron Paul: Very tasty, and fresh!
Rick Perry: Yeah this is good stuff Mitt thanks again.
Mitt Romney: Well then how about we grab a few more slices and go out for some ice cream!
Ron Paul: That’s fine with me. I vote for Mitt!
Michele Bachmann: Oh that’s a great idea. Me too!
Rick Perry: Mitt is fine with me. You coming Rick?
Rick Santorum: ***Hesitates than looks at all his kids and smiles*** Ohhhh alright! Let’s go!
Jon Huntsman: Guys?
Jon Huntsman: Hello?
Jon Huntsman: Anyone?
Jon Huntsman: I like ice cream.
Ty Olson is a syndicated movie critic and accomplished journalist. His controversial rave reviews of The Postman and Waiting to Exhale garnered him much attention in circles of social commentary. He has never liked Richard Nixon and thinks Alan Grayson is a gigantic blowhard. He lives in San Diego, California.
If you would like to read more on Ty’s coverage of the 2012 GOP primary you can read his coverage of the New Hampshire debate here: http://crookedcopy.com/2011/06/15/republican-debate-recap-live-from-new-hampshire/
And his recap of the South Carolina debate here: http://crookedcopy.com/2011/06/13/gop-debate-recap-you-missed-a-good-one/