This debate is sponsored by: That one Bennigans restaurant that is left, Gary Johnson, and whatever advertising we could muster up. It’s tough times here at CNN.
John King: The first question goes to Newt Gingrich. Sir, you have had some trouble with your campaign with some snafus and staff defections. Here is your chance to tell America about the real Newt.
Newt Gingrich: Thank you very much John. The stories of my lack of campaign discipline are fundamentally incorrect and I hope to go into detail tonight before I leave to board my Alaskan Cruise.
John King: Thank you Mr. Gingrich. Congresswoman Bachmann there is an angry and down-on-his-luck State Senator who lost his seat to the Tea Party. May he ask you a question?
Michelle Bachmann: I’m sorry John. I don’t take questions from beta males.
John King: Wonderful. Governor Pawlenty, you recently hammered Mitt Romney’s by calling his healthcare proposal “Obamneycare.” Are you prepared to say that today with him in the room?
Tim Pawlenty: I want to but….his….face….It’s….so….beautiful.
John King: Thank you Mr. Pawlenty. Mr. Cain, Medicare looks to be the entitlement that is causing much anxiety and many seniors are worried about their care. How would you address this?
Herman Cain: These times can be stressful for the elderly John, I know. That’s why I am pleased to announce that Godfather’s Pizza is offering a 25% discount this week to all senior citizens! Try or new, hand-tossed veggie delight special! Piled high with garden fresh vegetab…..
John King: Thank you Mr. Cain. Mr. Romney, are you using Touch of Gray?
Mitt Romney: Yes…no…I mean, I will, if you want me to. I’LL DO ANYTHING. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
John King: Thank you Mr. Romney. Congressman Paul, it is eerily quiet in this room today. Have you no blind chalk-scratching supporters in New Hampshire?
Ron Paul: Oh not at all John. I have asked all of them to construct a compound in Billings, Montana to protect us from the Mayan god Outous.
John King: I am frightened. We will now take a question from an undisclosed Ski Chalet in the Swiss Alps and….what’s that? Oh…I’m sorry it’s the lounge of a Marriot Courtyard in Haversport, New Hampshire where Mrs. Anderson has a question.
Mrs. Anderson: Mr. Santorum, I am a freelance journalist and I have been writing often about Fundamentalist Islam.
Rick Santorum: Ma’am, may I interject?
Mrs. Anderson: Yes, of course.
Rick Santorum: Thanks, by “Freelance journalist” and “writing a lot” do you mean “been blogging incessantly at midnight?”
Mrs. Anderson: Oh but of course.
Rick Santourm: Perfect. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
Mrs. Anderson: Yes, thank you. My question to you is would you be willing to entertain a Muslim on your staff?
Rick Santorum: Ma’am it’s not the Muslim’s you need to be worried about. It’s the gays.
John King: Thank you Mr. Santorum. This is the perfect time to read a note from Gary Johnson who was not invited to this debate. He says if he were here he would be wearing a Jerry Garcia tie and would be, and I quote, “So cool you guys.” He also says that he would, quote, “Even show you his new turtle and race car bed.”
John King: Congresswoman Bachmann, you are often compared with Sarah Palin. Would you care to address this.
Michelle Bachman: Thank you Mr. King. Governor Palin and I have a wonderful working relationship together and I am honored that we held in the same reverence. Also, if you ever ask that question again I will send Ed Rollins to your house and break your kneecaps with a tire-iron. **Smiles** Thanks.
John King: Mr. Gingrich, you have recently contributed to our nation’s unemployment problem with mass defections in your staff what do you have to say to that?
Newt Gingrich: I hate Rick Perry.
John King: Thank you Mr. Gingrich. Alright we will now ask some of our participants a number of “either or questions” to get to know them better. Mr. Romney, Coke or Pepsi?
Mitt Romney: …..
John King: Perhaps that was a bad idea. Thank you Mr. Romney. Governor Pawlenty, you have mentioned often the looming problem of the national debt. Would you care to elaborate?
Tim Pawlenty: It is magnificent.
John King: The Defecit?
Tim Pawlenty: No, Mitt Romney’s posture. It is magnificent.
John King: Thank you Governor Palwenty. Alright we are going to wrap this debate up by asking each candidate to tell the audience one thing they learned from the debate today:
Michelle Bachmann: I learned that Sarah Palin is on a bus somewhere in Iowa and I’m in front of you here. Now. DON’T FORGET THIS MOMENT!
Mitt Romney: I learned whatever you all want me to have learned.
Herman Cain: I just now learned that all viewers can visit any Godfathers Pizza immediately after the debate and can use the code “President” to get half off any extra-large pizza with purchase of a pizza at equal or lesser value.
Tim Pawlenty: I learned that I am no longer a viable candidate.
Ron Paul: I learned that I look like Statler from the Muppets.
Rick Santorum: I learned that there are no minorities in New Hampshire.
John King: Mr. Gingrich? Mr. Gingrich, have you learned anything tonight? Oh…..what’s that?….Apparently Newt Gingrich has already left for his cruise……