Hello and welcome to the very first 2010 Republican Debate live from South Carolina featuring the very best top-tier candidates from across the country: Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, Congressman Ron Paul, Former Godfather Pizza CEO Herman Cain, Former Senator Rick Santourm, and someone’s grumpy libertarian uncle….
Gary Johnson: No, I’m Gary Johnson, okay. I was the governor of New Mexico.
All of the candidates poorly tailored suits were provided by the Men’s Warehouse. Men’s Warehouse: You’re gonna like the way you look unless you are current on men’s fashion.
Chris Wallace: Thank you all for tuning in. I’m Chris Wallace joined tonight by my colleagues Juan Williams and Megyn Kelly. Our first question is for Governor Pawlenty. Sir, you are listed by many pundits as a frontrunner but voters find you terribly unexciting. Would you care to introduce yourself?
Tim Pawlenty: Thanks to Fox for hosting this discussion and to my opponents for allowing me the opportunity to appear vastly superior than I will be in future debates.
I share a deep bond with the hard working people of South Carolina. I grew up in a blue collar meatpacking family. My father like his father before him worked hard at the meatpacking plant and we took pride in our work. Like the good people of South Carolina I’m a regular American with…..
Rick Santorum: Excuse me.
Juan Williams: Yes Senator Santorum
Rick Santorum: I am offended by Mr. Pawlenty’s sexual overtures and find them inappropriate for this discussion.
Juan Williams: Thank you Senator Santorum
Megyn Kelly: Mr. Cain you are fairly new to the Presidential scene what can Americans expect from a Cain Presidency?
Herman Cain: Americans can expect from me what they can expect from Godfather’s Pizza, which is a light fluffy crust of a man dripping with the finest sauces and cheese at an affordable price. Like our pizza I prepare each and every day using the freshest ingredients and…..
Megyn Kelly: Thank you Mr. Cain
Chris Wallace: Mr. Santourm, you are entering this race as a staunch social conservative but have been referred to by many as, and I quote, “Kind of a dick about it.” How do you respond to this?
Rick Santorum: Chris, that question is condescending and beneath me and I will not answer it. Also, Mitch Daniels is a heartless man lacking a soul.
Juan Williams: Congressman Paul……
10 Obnoxious Paul Fans: AHHHHHHH! WHOOOOOO! WHOOOOO!
Juan Williams: Congressman Paul. You have called for the legalization of drugs…..
10 Obnoxious Paul Fans: WHOOOOOOO!
Juan Williams: But fail to address the consequences of drug use in America. How would you answer your critics?
Ron Paul: Well people can do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t bother anyone else.
Juan Williams: Don’t drug addicts create a negative impact on society and bother others?
Ron Paul: Ludwig von Mises. End the Fed.
10 Obnoxious Paul Fans: WHOOOOOOOOO!
Gary Johnson: Ummmm excuse me? Nobody is paying attention to me. I have a tremendous amount of important things to say.
Megyn Kelly: Mr. Johnson, what would you like to address?
Gary Johnson: *Frowns* Now that I have your attention, okay, I would like to talk about how this audience, okay, is ignoring the values of classical liberalism. People are going to vote for me because I don’t lower myself to social issues unlike these other candidates.
Megyn Kelly: Please stop talking with your eyes closed. You look like a blowhard.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Pawlenty I’m going to give you an outdated question about stem cells. Can you hit it out of the park for me?
Tim Pawlenty: Surely.
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Alright back to the debate.
Juan Williams: Mr. Cain the recent union challenge to block Boeing from building a plant in South Carolina has many in an uproar how would you address this?
Herman Cain: Unions are an important part of the American work force. They work hard for their families and help our country move forward. Like American Unions, Godfather’s Pizza is committed to working hard for your family. Whether it’s our on-time delivery guarantee or our family value meals we strive…..
Juan Williams: Thank you Mr. Cain.
Megyn Kelly: Senator Santorum, why are you here?
Rick Santroum: I’m not a big fan of Mexicans.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Johnson, you are, literally, the only person in this room who is not Pro-Life how does that make you feel?
Gary Johnson: Grouchy. *Frowns*
Chris Wallace: I’m going to ask each of you a question on an issue that will most likely sink your already floundering campaigns: Governor Pawlenty, You voted for a Cap-and-Trade Bill would you care to defend your actions?
Tim Pawlenty: Chris, what you failed to mention was that I didn’t not vote for an anti-pro cap-and-trade bill not just in committee not but in the Governorship.
Chris Wallace: I hope someone uses that in a commercial. Senator Santroum, the last time you ran for office your campaign was used as an example in all major political science textbooks of how not act as a candidate, what have you to say to that?
Rick Santourm: I wear searsucker suits in the winter.
Chis Wallace: That is unfortunate. Congressman Paul, you have the most classless and annoying followers of any candidate in the last twenty years. Is there anything you would like to say to them?
Ron Paul: My supporters can do whatever they want as long as they aren’t bothering others.
Chris Wallace: They are bothering others.
10 Obnoxious Ron Paul Fans: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chris Wallace: Governor Johnson you have publically admitted to smoking marijuana before yet you don’t look nearly as fun as any of my friends that smoke marijuana. What do you say to that?
Gary Johnson: Statistical Charts.
Chris Wallace: Thank you Mr. Johnson. Mr. Cain, I heard Godfather’s pizza really isn’t any good?
Herman Cain: I will punch you in the face.
Juan Williams: Alright that’s all we have for tonight. I would like to thank all of our candidates for stopping buy. Stay tuned to hear Sean Hannity repeat this week’s Republican talking points and throw a Nerf football like a girl.