Back in the golden days of my youth, I got degree in Art. Yes, I know, what folly! But it was just so I could be confident in my decision to purchase the Monets for the kitchen and to keep the Caravaggios down in Nice. But I noticed something in my classmates. They were dirty, they smelled homeless and they were poor. So I took it upon myself to lend a helping hand to those street rats, and the same advice that I gave to them, I will now impart upon you, the proletariat.
As we all know pursuing a career in a creative field is both financially and emotionally rewarding… Oh, dear, wait, let me get a hold of myself, I can’t seem to stop laughing. Couldn’t write that one with a straight face. As I was saying, you will probably be living in a gutter, but if you choose to march to the beat of your own drum, there are some things you must know.
First things first, make some rich friends. Bankers, lawyers and upstanding, money making citizens are incredibly important to your survival. In Renaissance Italy, these people were called Patrons of the Arts. These people are incredibly dull and will invite you to dinner parties as their token “artist” friend. Try sleeping with an old geezer or two, if you’re lucky, you might get in the will. And remember, this is a great chance to eat delicacies other than the day old, half price organic pastries from that hippie coffee shop you love to loiter in.
Which brings me to my next point. The idea of a starving artist is my no means an outdated one. Though your apartment might be a cesspool of filth and sketchbooks, think of it as Installation Art. Check you out! Living inside a piece of art! How fancy! And do consider your malnourishment a perk. Now you will be able to fit into the skinniest of acid washed jeans.
Is your work not selling? Have you gotten almost as many rejection letters as safety pins in your jacket? Has your mother told you to at least start waitressing on the side? Well, that’s terrific! Not being understood in your own time is the hallmark of greatness. So what, you’re poor! Just be sure that if you do come into money, to spend it on drugs or alcohol. I’ve been told it really gets the creative juices flowing.
And if all that cocaine causes you to slip from this mortal coil just a bit on the early side, all the better. Your friends and family will really benefit from your early demise, and afte rall, shouldn’t they be rewarded for buying your work and listening to you prattle on and on about Dadaism?
Just ask Charlotte Brontë’s relatives. Her work was slammed by critics, and it was only after she died of malnourishment did Jane Eyre get forced on millions of middle schoolers. Way to go Brontësurus clan! Or ask any poor sap who took pity on on schizophrenic named Vincent. They bought his paintings, and after he offed himself, his work sold for millions! Millions!
I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it! So, my little artistes, go out there and share your crazy with the world. It’ll end well, trust me.