Valen-Scams Day

By Langley Delano Roosevelt

Since I know that you are exactly like me, I also know that once upon a time you stayedup late cutting construction paper, gluing stenciled letters, and addressing a handmade Valentine,anonymously, to Kelly Kapowski, or an equivalent knock-out if you are not male or didn’t go toBayside High. What happened to the good old days?

Valentine’s Day is 98% manufactured; a tool to boost our economy. The religious subcontext is virtually non-existent and the days leading up to February 14th are filled with dismay. I’m really not a creative person, nor a hopeless romantic. Coming up with unique ideas becomesincreasingly difficult after six years. Enter 1-800-flowers, Pro-Flowers, Flowers-To-Deliver and exit Benjamin Franklin. Tack in a movie, which historically has been disappointing, and burn a couple of dollars for good measure. Ladies – all you’re told to do is buy something expensive from Victoria’s Secret and put out.

Fuck that.

I just took 2mg of Xanax to calm myself down. I’ve just recovered from Christmas spending and now I’m about to go back down into the red hole of debt. Let me pop some more benzodiazepines so I can continue. What if you are in that awkward stage before a relationship or are just beginning to seesomeone? What then? The stress is overbearing. Etiquette is impossible to decipher and one way or another, you are sure to disappoint your significant other.

There is hope! I present you with two options. Do not celebrate Valentine’s Day at all, if possible, or refuse to be a bitch to the system. Make your own Valentine’s card, give a small gesture of affection, cook at home; I really don’t care, the specifics of your love life are none of my business. Remember, love is from the heart, not the wallet. If your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or whatever else is out there doesn’t understand, perhaps you need to rethink your relationships.

This year I am saying no. My significant other knows I love her and that is all thatmatters. I’m not going to stress out, I’m not going to read blogs stating top ten Valentine’s Dayideas, and I’m not going to treat February 14th any differently than the 13th or 15th. If you really want to support the economy, buy something for yourself; maybe some electronics or some shit that is typically not a Valentine’s Day gift. Above all, please don’t wear red.

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