Blizzard Aerobics

By Amadeo Ian Williams

There’s a blizzard outside. Work’s been cancelled. You’re eating right now, aren’t you? Here’s a few tips to get the sloth out, the heart rate up, and put your health insurance premiums to work.

The most basic snow workout.

Primary muscles worked:lower back.
Secondary muscles worked: shoulders, biceps

Proper form is to bend over low to the ground, really putting a lot of
strain on your lower back. Then you’re going to want to get as much
snow on the shovel as possible and whip your body upright and toss the
snow in the air. Remember if it doesn’t feel like you might herniate a
disc, you’re probably not shoveling properly.

Bonus Points if you throw the snow on innocent passersby.

Trudging through 2ft deep snow:

Primary Muscles Worked: Quads
Secondary Muscles Worked: Calves

This is a great lower body snow workout. Proper form is to take high,
lumbering steps, attempting to get over the snow, which in actuality
is a stupid dream because you’re just going to sink back down to mid
thigh level anyway. The unstable footing really gives you a great calf
workout as well.

Bonus Points if you track down that asshole who just threw snow on you.

Snowball fight.
A combination exercise mixing high speed trudging with an excellent
shoulder workout.

Proper form: Remember to warm up for the snowball fight by talking as
much trash as you can to your opponent about how you played high
school baseball and could have pitched in the state championship if
only your team could get you some damn run support. Throw every
perfectly formed snowball as hard you possibly can until your arm is
hanging limp at your side unable to be moved. Hopefully you already
shoveled because now you have to drive yourself to the hospital.

Bonus Points if you hit your son, daughter, niece or nephew with a
snowball hard enough to make them fall over.

Navigating the Roads

Primary Muscles: Good way to incorporate bi’s, tri’s all at once.

Secondary Muscles: The wrists, calves and carido-vascular system

Proper Form: The snow has buried your tires and power steering is failing as we speak (it would help if you’d keep your eyes on the road right now, instead of this blog). You will be yanking the wheel back and forth, driving up hill, out of your snowed in parking space or when you’re trying in vain to recover from a fishtail. Make sure to do this as panicky as possible to get your muscle memory going. Driving in a blizzard puts all of your extremities to the test. For good leg exercise, brake at the last possible second for pedestrians, making you jam those anti-locks. This way you can get in some good reps pumping the pedal and whipping the wheel. Your left shoulder will go numb from all of the stress of avoiding jay walkers chasing shovelers across the street. Keep on going; this is just your cardiovascular system letting you know you’re doing it properly.

Bonus Points: Get some good sparring in when you get into a fistfight with that tow truck driver you just met on Lake Shore Drive.

Walking the Pup

Primary Muscles: Medulla Oblongata

Secondary Muscles: Your wrists

We all love our dogs. But the one place we don’t want them to shit is on our carpet. The second place we don’t want them to shit is outside during a blizzard. Sadly, these two goals come into conflict. This work out has the essence of trudging through snow, while also training the strongest muscle of all: the brain. Namely, the left side which controls anger and aggression. You will be pushed to the limit after your dog delays going doo-doo because it wants to run around, explore and get stuck in a five-foot snow drift. Be calm and count to 10. Once you’re finished counting, remove your hand from Scruffy’s throat. Any longer and it’s literally overkill.

Bonus Points: If you maneuver out of your handcuffs after you’ve murdered ol’ Red.

Better practice curls to get him out



Filed under Amadeo Ian Williams

2 responses to “Blizzard Aerobics

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  2. Pingback: Blizzard Aerobics (via Crooked Copy) « ambidextrous thoughts

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