State of the Union Highlights

In case you missed Obama’s State of the Union address, below are a collection of incomplete sentences, which sum up the direction in which the country is headed. Wait is clockwise really a direction? Whatever, it’s a down the drain pun. Follow us on Twitter.

@CrookedCopy

  • Obama takes credit for 3 jobs created to make Michelle Bachmann’s powerpoint presentation
  • For hilarity’s sake, Obama consolidates NCIS with Law & Order
  • Obama to consolidate the IRS and TSA as a supergroup of despised assholes
  • McCain and Kerry wear matching suits, their heiress wives bought them
  • Fact, @RaulGrijalva has not stood up to applaud yet because he can’t get out of his seat.
  • Roomful of millionaires (and Joe Biden) applaud newest challenge to avoid paying taxes
  • Few people have noticed but @BarackObama‘s lapel pin is actually a picture of Chuck-E-Cheese.
  • Boehner only cries when he hears his own story. Just call him Molly Ringwald
  • Obama is sounding like a desperate husband: stop arguing about costs, details. My band’s gonna make it
  • Ryan: Politicians broke our trust with economy. Let’s reverse this by eliminating anti-trust laws
  • This speech would have been way more entertaining if America had understood the brilliance of Dennis Kucinich.
  • Obama spends extra time shaking pages hand. It’s the least he could do for all the molesting they go through
  • Fact Sheila Jackson Lee purchased her clothes from the sale rack at the local Goodwill.

@BillHaurton

  • Michelle Bachmann looks like Miley Cryus, if she stayed back down south and was broke
  • Obama to Marines: The real heroes don’t fight in wars, they teach inner city kids, who have more advanced weaponry than Al Qaeda
  • Joe Wilson chastised for saying “wow” too loud during Chilean miner story

  • Obama: Nuclear weapons threaten South Korea’s highly advanced internet access
  • I’d like to cross breed Roland Martinwith John Boehner to create a true oompa loompa…or a weeping bulldog
  • Obama: Chatroulette perfect for doctors appointments
  • Ryan: Limited govt, means less govt, which means more effective govt, b/c I will be king
  • Boehner convinced Obama took potshot at his tie during salmon segway
  • Obama: #Sputnik We lost to the commies once, let’s do it again
  • BREAKING: Michelle Bachmann scrambling to memorize speech, remove hair curlers
  • Bears are out, Obama dismisses the Super Bowl
  • Barney Frank campaigns against Boehner to let him on the Prom Queen ballot

@irrelevantidea

  • One problem with Race to the Top. All of our children are obese.
  • John Boehner returns to his roots after the #sotu. Goes back to his father’s Cincinnati bar.
  • Obama gets a few big rounds of applause and look at how his swagger picks up
  • Smoked salmon is regulated by Delis
  • Last time I was on chatroulette I found out I had testicular cancer.
  • The tag line for the #sotu is “Winning the future” which sounds like the subtitle for Tron 3
  • South Koreans need high speed internet to play Starcraft. That’s a fact. Look it up
  • Hillary’s ambien looks like it’s about to kick in, what do you think
  • I agree with Obama. Nobody should celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl this year. Especially if it’s the packers.
  • Classic #SOTU: stating something that you will never ever ever have to backup. 80% clean energy in 2035.
  • Obama ends the #SOTU by assuring the American people they don’t really need a plan. God I feel better.

@Emzanotti et al

  • Michelle Bachmann may be delivering the single greatest speech in the history of middle school Power Point presentations.
  • I don’t understand why we’re stopping at high speed rail. MONORAILS are the future.
  • Half the chamber is asking for an autograph, the other half is asking their #SOTU seatmate for a second date.
  • John Boehner is keeping it together. He’s keeping it together. He’s keeping it…to…geth….*tears*
  • Every time he says Pah-key-stahn, I think of a frat boy who had one semester abroad and now insists on only drinking French press coffee.
  • We will make great progress in space. Coincidentally, Lady Gaga will be launched into orbit dressed as Sputnik.
  • In 2011, we shall work together to eliminate the menace known as Ed Hardy. We shall hunt him wherever he lives.
  • If you are over 35 and have a word on printed on the ass of your pants, you deserve to be beaten with your handbag.
  • If it’s Juicy Couture or contains a small dog, you will be beaten with MY handbag
  • we should correct our unemployment situation by giving every American a reality show.
  • All you need to know about the State of the Union is this: the Kardashians still have jobs. Ergo, America is still in decline. End of story.

Fans:

  • True story, @JoeBiden called all his friends and family and told them to look for him on TV
  • Shelia Jackson Lee has two last names and a lime green jacket. She cannot be trusted….
  • Media leaks that @JoeBiden kind of sad there are no Kennedy’s in congress to get loaded behind the Safeway with.
  • Hey, @crookedcopy What is the over/under for percentage of congressmen who pregame in the parking lot before the SOTU?
  • 15 percent
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