If you’re going to do anything, do it with purpose. And since the State of the Union address has taken on the look of an infomercial cardio-fitness program, it is up to you, the viewer, to give it some sense of usefulness. The best way to do this is to get hammered. Below are the rules for Crooked Copy’s official SOTU Drinking Game to throw a few sheets of garbled, sentimental, cheer/cringe-inducing speech to the wind.
2. Anytime the Democrats stand up and cheer, run headfirst into the television and see if you knocked any sense into them.
3. Anytime the Republicans stand up and cheer, belittle somebody that looks different than you.
4. Anytime Obama receives a bipartisan ovation, throw money into the fireplace–they’ve just agreed to waste a bunch of taxpayer dollars.
5. Anytime Obama mentions health care, eat a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. The government is paying for your bypass!
6. Anytime Obama mentions health care, put down the drink and donuts. There’s no way the government can afford your bypass.
7. Anytime Obama mentions the deficit, take a shot. Then take your neighbors shot, as well.
8. Anytime Obama mentions new Wall Street regulations, move more of your money into your Caribbean account. Drink a bottle of Cristal when the transaction is complete.
9. Anytime Obama mentions war, sing the song that never ends. Do not stop until he brings the troops home.
10. Anytime someone exploits the memory of Christina Taylor Green, weep. Our culture prostitutes everything else, why not 9-year-old terrorist victims.
More to come.