The stimulus has generated a lot of debt, debate and jobs of the created or saved variety. We at Crooked Copy are no experts, so we’ll let economists figure out how to calculate a “saved” job. What we do have is a basic understanding of biology and looking at the human body can teach you a lot about the world. Our bodies’ have many jobs to do. The immune system, for example, defends the body from enemies foreign and domestic; the heart circulates blood around like currency; and the lungs pump fresh life into our bodies, so we can stay around long enough to enjoy our next cigarette. Only two parts of the body create or save anything. The mouth creates a whole lot of nonsense and seems to save everything except your PIN number when you’re being mugged at gun point. And the digestive tract divides your body’s revenue stream between the good nutrients, which it stores, and the bad nutrients which create
You don’t have to take our word for it, the New York Times reported in October 2009 that the stimulus spent $300,000 tracking radioactive rabbit feces in Washington state, though no one has yet to come forward and thank the feds for the work.
The stimulus package was more than just money; it demonstrated the vast influence of advocacy groups and snake oil salesman. And as hundreds of billions of dollars erupted from the halls of congress, each group has been decent enough to wave that money around right in your face with press releases. The Florida Thoroughbred Breeders’ and Owners’ Association, for example, was not shy about the $2.5 million it received to help convert horse poop into hydrogen cars.
As the majority of voters soured on the idea that spending $1 trillion to kick the habit of irresponsible financing, some big backers of the stimulus have kept their names out of the press. Crooked Copy has tracked down a few of them.
5. The American Academy of Country Music
The Academy may seem like a group of Red-State conservatives, but it was a fond supporter for the $30 billion General Motors bailout. If Chevrolet went out of business, up to 10 percent of car manufacturing plants could have closed; and a full 33 percent of country lyrics would have been lost forever.
4. The National Rifle Association
The NRA liked the idea of government intruding on the private sector. It helped drive membership and gun sales during the Obama presidency. The strategy seems to be working.
3. The People Who Got Us into this Mess in the First Place (PWGUMFP)
The PWGUMFP was crucial in backing the stimulus package and also played a large part in getting us into this whole mess in the first place. They squandered massive amounts of money for their own personal interest, made reckless, speculative bets with other people’s money and floated down on golden parachutes. Then Congress got involved to, as one Democratic rep said, “show them how it’s done.” Our nation’s representatives succeeded in only the first two categories.
The automaker didn’t take any bailout money, but threw their weight behind stimulating GM after seeing the price tag on the Chevy Volt.
1. Barack Obama
Ask President Obama about the stimulus today and he starts to sound like the guy who gets awkward about pooping in a public bathroom. He’ll go silent for a second, as he debates whether or not to let his presence be known, and follow up with a lot of loud protests about the distance between his stall and the one that smells. But even he knows that sounds like a load of