A platinum blonde Canadian con artist has made headlines recently, despite not being Pamela Anderson–the only Canadian anyone really cares about. No, this one goes by Nikki and she has grasped onto relevancy using the longest of coattails by predicting First Lady Michelle Obama will become pregnant sometime in 2011. Nikki has been a little off before. In 2008, she predicted that Jennifer Aniston would get pregnant, Clooney would tie the knot and Sean Penn would be wounded in the Middle East–if only G-Dubs had the guts. The media continue to call her a “leading psychic,” a title she earned in 2009 after stating that global warming is unequivocally man-made.
We at Crooked Copy may not be “leading psychics,” but we have a few of our own predictions we would like to share with you for the coming year.
1. CHRISTINE O’DONNELL WILL GET A REALITY TV SHOW
Delaware’s Tea Party darlin’ will borrow a page out of Sarah Palin’s playbook when she inks a reality television deal with A&E, her first real job since serving as Bill Maher’s whipping post in the late ’90s. Christine O’Donnell: Committed will follow her struggle as a deep-red activist in a blue state, surrounded by white rubber walls. The season premier will be shot on location at the Delaware State Home for the Mentally Disturbed. Tracy Morgan guest stars.
2. GAY MARRIAGE, LAW OF LAND
Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy will join the liberal bloc of the Supreme Court to strike down Proposition 8 in California, a law which defined marriage as being between man and woman. “This court realizes that it is reversing a near universal approach to relationships that predates history,” he wrote in the majority opinion, “however, the sheer amount of duct-taped mouths and ‘No H8’ tattoos in the gallery has demonstrated that homosexuals are just as stupid as you and me…”
Laws against gay marriage are struck down in all 50 states. The number of gay marriages does not increase.
3. LADY GAGA WILL DIE
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta will affix herself to four meathooks suspended 50 feet above Lallapalooza and die when her skin suffocates beneath 30 coats of Georgia O’Keefe inspired bodypaint. The body art is made up of of dayglow pink, blood donations from fans and what she refers to as an authentic, yet vegan friendly Native American pelt. A suicide note is later found posted on Gaga’s old Geocities account. In it, she reveals herself as a functional illiterate, who depends on costumes dreamed up by two nieces, aged 3 and zygote. CNN describes the note as the most rambling, ill mannered and unintelligible screed since Joseph Andrew Stack crashed an airplane into a Texas IRS office. This does not stop musicians from renaming the Grammy’s the Gaga’s.
4. SAMUEL L. JACKSON WILL WIN AN EMMY
Samuel L Jackson will win an Emmy for his portrayal of Jimmy McMillan of the Rent is Too Damn High Party in a Lifetime movie of the same name. Director Gus Van Zant describes it as his most important work since Finding Forrester.
5. NFL PLAYERS WILL GO ON STRIKE
Following failed negotiations between league officials and players over extending the season, shortening suspensions over steroids and figuring out if kickers should be allowed in the union, the Players Association declares a walkout. Fans in the NFC West don’t seem to notice, but nod agreeably after seeing someone in the division break .500. Keanu Reeves and Brett Favre will start up a rag tag team of replacement pros after finding one another on the National Sex Offender Registry. Reeves will start over Favre in Oakland’s season opener against the Miami Caliente.
6. OBAMA KILLS IT IN OSLO AGAIN
President Barack Obama will win the Nobel Prize for Literature for his book, Of Thee I Sing.
7. JUSTIN BIEBER SWEEPS GAGA’S
Teen sensation and Youtube star Justin Bieber wins 18 Gaga awards for his song, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” Kanye West, who produced the track, straight up murders Katy Perry during a live performance at the ceremony.
8. THE WORLD WILL END
Either Nikki was right about global warming or Pat Robertson was right about the whole legalizing gay marriage thing. One thing is for sure, the Mayans couldn’t frigging count. Then again neither can we.