D.C. Roads Safe Again as Last Kennedy Leaves Capital

Washington D.C. — District residents and commuters may breathe a little easier as retiring Congressman Patrick Kennedy, the son of late Massachusetts Sen. Edward Kennedy, packs his bags to heads back to his hometown of Portsmouth, Rhode Island.

The Rhode Island Congressman’s departure marks the first time in sixty-three years a member of the storied Kennedy family will be absent from elected office in Washington D.C. District of Columbia Police Chief, Cathy Lanier, immediately held a press conference declaring a new era of responsible and safe driving in the nation’s capital.

Father and son gear up for a night of alcohol, narcotics, and yelling at buildings

“Residents of the District of Columbia no longer need to worry about the erratic and drug induced driving habits of the Kennedy family.” said Lainer. “The Kennedy void ushers in a new dawn, a new era. D.C. residents need not fear for their lives while driving at night. The Shark is retired.”

Lainer’s specific reference to The Shark, Kennedy’s notorious car, surprised a number of Washington insiders. Although the infamous vehicle, nicknamed for the sudden and violent swerves made by it’s owner, was a reluctant legend in the capitol, most observers anticipated the new police chief would stick to the unspoken policy of giving the alcohol inclined family a pass. Lainer took a hard line.

“This city has been terrorized by the Kennedys for over six decades. Let’s call a spade a spade.” she said.

Don't be fooled by the neck brace. This man will try to seduce your daughter.

Area residents expressed their relief and anticipation of a long due detachment with the Kennedy family. Ann Walters, a Washington native spoke with reporters, “We need a break. I was so sick of them driving through our neighborhood honking their horns at girls on the street and yelling about their sexual conquests.” said Walters. “We have enough drunks in this town as it is. At least they have enough sense not to vote.”

Congressman Kennedy is scheduled to leave town January 2nd at 5:30 p.m. Authorities have advised motorists to use defensive driving techniques and avoid the northbound 95 freeway at all costs.

Chief Lanier, however, is not yet convinced the roads are totally worry free.

“This is a major victory, but we must remain ever vigilant,” she said. “Councilman Barry is still walking free.”

Don't worry officer, it's a hands free device

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