Don’t get us wrong, we love Christmas. Unfortunately some songs make us loathe the season beyond all measure. Below are our five least favorite. Honorable Mentions Include:
Frosty the Snowman (what kind of sick Necromancer puts magic in a hat?), Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (we find claymation to be unconditionally creepy), All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (perhaps you should have brushed more Captain Hygiene), and Do They Know it’s Christmas? (Yes but they don’t have iPods to hear your stupid song).
5. Happy Christmas: What could go wrong with a Christmas song written by John Lennon during his blowhard period? If he didn’t write this when he slothfully stayed in bed to “boycott war” (good one John) he certainly put the same amount of effort and creativity into it. We are thrilled that he decided to include Yoko Ono. It is counter-intuitive that she tells us “war is over if we want it” when her incessant wailing makes us want to remind Japan that we beat them down a few decades ago.
4. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: A song for lazy parents. Want your child to behave? Change the lyrics and sing them that old communist song about Joseph Stalin watching them in the night.
3. Christmas Shoes: Have you ever had a great time during Christmas with family when this infectious disease of a song comes on the radio? What’s that Buzz Kill Betty? Life sucks sometimes? Thanks for reminding us during the most joyful time of the year. Of course your mom wants shoes. Have you seen your mother’s closet? She has an entire wall full of them like every other woman in America.
2. Carol of the Bells: Nothing erodes the Christmas spirit like 59 high-pitched singers screeching in a four-part falsetto harmony about bells and goodness knows what else. Crooked Copy informal polling indicates only 14% of American’s have a clue what this song is about. Perhaps this is the reason that hundreds of obnoxious commercials use this melody each year sell you a crappy toaster made in China.
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Don’t you love Christmas songs about mothers with questionable morals? This Santa is this child’s father right? It’s one thing to listen to this awful song while purchasing yogurt at the local Safeway; it’s an entirely different ordeal to have a sense of sadness for a fictional child facing the cold collapse of the American family in the comfort of his own home. These brilliant songwriters forgot to mention that 75% of mall Santas can’t vote. That is because felons aren’t given ballots anywhere, not even the North Pole. “I saw mommy kissing a registered sex offender” was just too real for the masses.