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A Conversation with a Ron Paul Fanatic

Look! Up there! It's our awkward Paul blimp!

A typical conversation with a young Ron Paul fanatic: 

So I heard that you are a Ron Paul fan.

ISN’T HE F*#*ING INCREDIBLE!!!!

Wow…um, well, I’m not sure. See, I’m trying to decide. I was listening to Ron Paul and….

IT’S DR. PAUL!

I beg your pardon?

IT’S DR. PAUL. HE IS A DOCTOR. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM DR. PAUL. WE ALL CALL HIM DR. PAUL.

Oh….okay….I guess I can do that. When I compare Dr. Paul to Rick Santorum

WHO IS THAT?

Who is…..wait? Who is Rick Santorum?

WHO IS THAT? I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS. WHO IS THAT?

He just placed second in Iowa, he is running for President.

DR. PAUL DID WELL IN IOWA. YOU SOULD ONLY VOTE FOR DR. PAUL. DR. PAUL DID WELL IN IOWA.

Yeah, that was interesting because his foreign policy is….

WARS ARE BAD.

Yes, I agree war is bad and we have made some mistakes but…

WARS ARE BAD. ALL WARS. WARS ARE EXPENSIVE. THE WAR ON DRUGS IS BAD AND EXPENSIVE.

Well, that is partially true, there are some problems with the drug war but if we become a society that allows drugs it opens up a number of problems.

IT’S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. WE SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE. RON PAUL SAYS IT’S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

Well, it’s none of our business until it filters into our communities.

THAT ARGUMENT IS DUMB. SOCIAL ISSUES ARE DUMB. I DON’T HAVE KIDS OR A FAMILY BUT SOCIAL ISSUES ARE DUMB. THAT IS DUMB.

That is the other thing, it seems like a lot of what he says sounds good in a vaccum but not in reality.

DR. PAUL HAS GREAT IDEAS. HE IS HONEST. DR. PAUL IS HONEST.

Yes but do you really think any of his ideas would pass in congress or be implemented if he was president?

YES BECAUSE HE IS F#&*ING INCREDIBLE!!!

Who? Ron Paul?

DR. PAUL. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM DR. PAUL.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

END THE FED.

Ty Olson is a syndicated movie critic and accomplished journalist. His controversial rave reviews of The Postman and Waiting to Exhale garnered him much attention in circles of social commentary. He has never liked Richard Nixon and thinks Alan Grayson is a gigantic blowhard. He lives in San Diego, California.

Read Ty’s latest piece about the Iowa Caucuses: http://crookedcopy.com/2012/01/05/iowa-candidate-caucus-a-crooked-copy-exclusive/

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Iowa Candidate Caucus: Candidates Caucus Too

Somewhere, a Ron Paul fan is tagging this photo.

***There is a little known but long standing stipulation in Iowa that requires all candidates to form their own caucus while all citizen votes  are tallied. Crooked Copy was given exclusive coverage of the event. The following happened in Des Moines, Iowa at 8:00 pm on January Third.***

***Door opens and Rick Perry enters in a huff***

Rick Perry: Sorry I’m late guys. I totally forgot I was still running for President.

Mitt Romney: That’s alright, I made you some cookies, chocolate chip, your favorite flavor. In fact I made everyone their favorite cookies. You can have as many as you want. I bought them for you. You may have as many as you want…..

Newt Gingrich: These cookies are fundamentally delicious. I’ll take a few more if you don’t mind.

Mitt Romney:  Well, this is embarrassing. I meant everyone but you Newt, not because I don’t like you, it’s…just…. ***looks at Newt’s stomach***…you know…..

Newt Gingrich: That’s alright. Let’s do roll call because Calista and I have a book signing and movie screening this afternoon.

Ron Paul: Don’t you mean campaign stop.

Newt Gingrich: ……..yes……

Newt Gingrich: Okay let’s begin. Michelle Bachmann

Michele Bachmann: Present. Can we all agree that I’m the only conservative in this race?

Newt Gingrich: Spare me, I was a conservative since you were hosting PG movie nights in your college dorm.

Michele Bachmann: Remind me Newt, was that while you were having your second or third affair?

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She’s Baaaack…

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Remember: Without Your Dad, You Would Throw a Baseball Like a Girl. Happy Father’s Day Weekend!

Back on Monday.

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Soccer Sucks. Hipsters, Take Note.

By: Ty Olson

Johannasburg, South Africa – At 4:45 p.m. ET on June 26, 2010 soccer died in America. It was a long and agonizing death; one seen by a national audience hoping, praying for a chance to get swept up in an international phenomenon.

But the Ghanan national team had different plans; they seemed determined to show these new and arrogant newcomers the true nature of soccer. Up 2-1 in stoppage time, opposing defenders put on a display that would make Tanya Harding smile. Americans watched with abject horror demanding to know why Ghanan defenders were withering on the ground in unprompted pain. The answer was simple, they were running time off the clock and Americans were watching a stupid sport not compatible with our culture. This lesson was learned by everyone but our hipster friends and they must be stopped.

In Baltimore, Ray Lewis would have killed you by now.

This sick charade has gone on far too long. Americans thought we had put soccer behind us. Rooney, Beckham, 0-0 ties, Maradona’s bad hair, it appeared that we had packed them in neat little boxes and stored them in the darkest corners of our basements; safe, away with our Christmas lights to open again in the distant future. Normal Americans treat soccer like our Democratic Presidents. We call on them out of boredom and morbid curiosity only to exile them after the product is realized – it’s a vicious cycle but one we are accustomed to.

One can sympathize with our dismay, then, when a splattering of Premier League updates began surfacing on Facebook, Twitter, and ESPN. This phenomenon was brought about by the American hipster population and it is unacceptable. Not only is soccer an eyebleedingly awful sport, it is incompatible with the hipster code of conduct. We would be wise to share with our flannel-clad friends now, before things get out of control, that it is baseball, not soccer, that should be embraced by their kind.

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Tweets of the Week

We’re keeping it going with the debate. Absent from this list are the obvious “Obama and/or Christie are big winners of the debate” jokes. No, you weren’t the only one to tweet that (though Dave Weigel’s Buddy Roemer crack was obscure enough to distract us from his acne scars for a moment). Below are the best quips to come out of a mediocre debate, using the worst mode of communication ever. They are not ranked (or are they?):

@notjessewalker: “When do they ask about heroin? I like the part where they ask about heroin”

(Okay, they’re not)

@DaBeard: Cain: Sunni or Shiite?

Thad McCotter via @RickKlein: candidates “failed” the “litmus test” at #cnndebate by answering this/that questions

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